Where we’re at. “Humans are complex and flawed.” “Nazis were only human.” “Hamas are animals and must be slaughtered.” “Palestinians don’t count.”

Beer o’clock.

HEY DAVID

Our contract with Plusnet for telephone landline and (not full) fibre broadband ends on 25 November. I started looking around for cheaper and/or better alternatives back in August. Not that there was anything wrong with Plusnet’s service. In fact, compared to Sky and TalkTalk, they’re bloody brilliant. But end of contract time usually means either a hike in price to stay loyal, or finding a new provider that offers new customers a better deal than its existing customers.

DOCTOR'S ORDERS

My local pharmacy: Come and get your FREE flu jab! Me: My local pharmacy: Come and get your FREE flu jab! Me: I’ve come for my FREE flu jab. My local pharmacy: That will be £16.95, please. Me: I’ve got two text messages from you telling me it’s free. My local pharmacy: Are you pregnant? On dialysis? Undergoing heart surgery? Me: My local pharmacy: Do you have asthma? Me: Bingo!

ERROR 55 - INTERNAL COMMUNICATION PROBLEM

Boss: Can you order a new printer for the office? Me: Sure. orders a new printer for the office Office: Did you order a new printer for the office? It’s arrived. Me: Yes, I’ll come over and set it up. Office: No need, we already moved the printer from the other office. And we have a tech person coming in Monday to set it up.

BREAK IN TRANSMISSION

Last week’s swimming lesson was cancelled, and the week before that, we went away for half-term. To a very wet and wild north-east Lincolnshire right by the sea (or the Humber Estuary). With no wifi, and very poor data connectivity. In a tin can caravan. But we all had fun, and the kids got to spend time with their grandparents who live nearby. And use their wifi. On the night before we left I met up with a couple of my oldest and best friends, Murray and Aaron, who I hadn’t seen for ten (Aaron) and thirty (!

After more than three weeks of Israel’s “targeted” bombing of Hamas in Gaza, Starmer claims that a ceasefire now “would leave Hamas with the infrastructure and the capabilities to carry out the sort of attack we saw on October 7.”

ANY OLD POTS AND PANS?

Following on from the successful installation of our new front door (which my wife is now quite happy with), we now have new stainless steel pots and pans to replace the old and “dangerous” non-stick pans we had before. My wife “read something on the internet” which said that the non-stick coatings are toxic, and so that that was the end of the matter. Still, they are very nice new pans, even if a little more care is needed when using them to cook and clean.

FRANK

Frank was my great grandfather on my dad’s side. I only met him a couple of times. One time, me and my brother were made to wear the most ridiculous and embarrassing outfits, and we just felt very uncomfortable and ill-at-ease meeting this very old man from another time. He was born in the early 1901. So he must have been 80 or so when we met him. Not so old these days, but back then he really was like a dinosaur, or a fossil.

PROPAGANDA

Last night, I was away in the middle of nowhere with no wifi and very poor data connection, so put on the TV to watch the BBC/ITV news at ten. Haven’t watched it for fifteen years or more. It was pure propaganda for Israel. Jeremy Bowen even said as much: “This is what they want you to see” (as opposed the genocide in Gaza).

GETTING DRESSED

My three and a half year old is going through that stage where he doesn’t want to get dressed in the morning to go to nursery. I remember with my oldest lad some mornings I used to be in tears trying to get him ready. Fortunately, their mum is now working from home and has taken on this task with the little one. My main job now is to remind my nine year old to “sit at the table and eat your breakfast” every two minutes.

HAIRCUT

My nine year old had a trim the other day. No one else can really tell, but his massive afro isn’t quite so massive as it was last week, and certainly a little less knotted. Should make it easier to get his swimming cap on. His mum cuts his hair. We took him to a barber’s when he was younger, and I literally had to hold him down while the barber did his work.

CATWOMAN

Last week, we had a visitor. Catwoman appeared, to save the day! All the way from leafy Surrey, she turned up in her Porsche 4x4 and catsuit to catch our community cats and take them to the vet “because they have cat flu”. With her ten year old assistant, and cat trap, she tried for (what seemed like) hours to catch a cat, or a kitten, to no avail.

‘Dreamed a dream…’ 🎶

TOO MUCH PRESSURE

Inevitably, as I sit here in the cafe next to my son’s swimming lesson, unable to drink coffee because the cafe is permanently closed, my mind wanders and starts thinking about coffee. For most of my adult life, I’ve started the day with a cup of tea. Regular English breakfast tea. PG Tips, Tetley. Milk and sugar. Tea was always my preferred drink, but I did like a cup of instant coffee or two later in the morning, but only if it was one I liked.

IMPOSSIBLE JOB

Last week, my boss asked me to produce a professional looking ten page job profile for a potential new appointment. He provided me with an example from another employer, and asked me to use the same format. He wanted me to find some suitable photographs “online” to use. This was all outside of his skillset. And mine. He wanted it “by tomorrow” (Wednesday), and gave me the text he’d written for the first page, as well as the headings he wanted to use for the remaining pages.

PAY RISE

I haven’t had a pay rise since April 2017. Taking into account the cost of living increases year on year, and especially in the last year or two, I’ve effectively taken a pay cut every year. To be fair, I was thankful to have a job at all during and after covid. Thanks to Kate Morley’s historical UK inflation rates and price conversion calculator, I now know how much I should be earning if my pay had kept up with inflation.

COMMUNITY CATS

Just around the corner from my lad’s school by the canal is a cul-de-sac which is home to some “community cats”. Having spoken to a few of the people who live there, it seems that none of the seven or eight cats and kittens have homes or owners, but are looked after by the people who live there. So they’re not strays, but they’re not feral, either. They’re community cats.

FREE PALESTINE

There seems to be a co-ordinated drive to obliterate Palestine, and Palestinians, from the map. I find it very upsetting that my government, and many other “Western” governments are wholeheartedly supporting Israel’s genocidal “self-defence” narrative. Nothing justifies carpet-bombing innocent people - mostly women and children. Nothing justifies cutting off their supplies of electricity, water, food, fuel. The sadistic Netanyahu told Palestinians in Gaza to leave, then bombed the crossing into Egypt while they tried to do so.

PLAY STREET

We used to play in the street outside our home as kids growing up in the 70s. In rural Lincolnshire. Of course, it wasn’t a main road, it was the road on our council estate. Pretty much everyone had a car, and many of the houses had their own garage. In London, or Greater London, it’s generally not safe for kids to play in the street, although we’re lucky where we are that our little cul-de-sac can double-up as a relatively safe enough play area most of the time.

CLASS

Thinking about Maths at school, got me thinking about the origin and meaning of class. It’s a classic word, and means so many different things depending on the context in which it’s used. Its Roman origin relates to the dividing up of society, or groups of people for war or military objectives. My Latin teacher at school was obsessed with lining up the desks and chairs at the end of each lesson.

DISTRACTION

It’s easy to get distracted. My nine year old told his mum last night that he was so distracted by thoughts in his head at school that the teacher gave him a blank piece of paper and a pen to “download” everything in his mind. All he could think about was Super Mario and Nintendo. Well, it was Maths. I always liked Maths at school. Mainly because there was no homework, or writing, or revision to do.

THE SWIMMER

My nine year old is on week three of his school swimming lessons. Prior to the first lesson, he was very anxious about getting his hair wet, and getting his nose under the water. This, despite the fact that he absolutely loved the sea and the pool on our holiday last month (and last year, and the year before that). We bought him a swimming cap, which everyone has to wear in any case.

HUMAN SHIELD

The school asked for a parent to volunteer to accompany the children to their weekly swimming class. They said I could sit in the café and drink coffee. No swimming required. I volunteered. I’m basically a fourth chaperone, in addition to the three teaching staff. I simply accompany the children to their swimming class, and back. The class teacher gave me the two page risk assessment to read on the first morning, and I’ve taken it upon myself to stand either at the back of the line of kids, or in the middle, depending on where there is a gap of supervising adults.

BOLOGNESE!

Last week, we had a new front door fitted. That morning, I took it upon myself to prepare a bolognese before the doormen arrived so that we didn’t need to get in each other’s way, and so that we had something to eat for lunch for the next few days. I make my bolognese in a 12" frying pan and cover it with a grease splatter fine mesh to let it cook slowly for a few hours.