My Cheese-O-Meter

For the best sensation, please read this post at room temperature.

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

What’s so special about the cheesemakers?

Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

Now, I’m going to milk this for all it’s worth, but I would question the last sentence. I’m going to stick to cheese. Not literally, of course. That would be messy and smelly. Always wash your hands after operating cheese.

I’m going to stick to cheese, metaphorically - for the benefit of the cheeseless.

[@davidmarsden](https://micro.blog/davidmarsden) I am still waiting, cheeseless.

That’s it! Cheese! We’ll go somewhere where there’s cheese!

Cheeseboard Disclaimer

While I don’t consider myself to be any kind of big cheese - I’m not a cheese authority or cheese expert - I’m perfectly qualified to write a cheesy summary of my life in cheese.

Please note that I am not affiliated to the Cheese Marketing Board, and clicking any of the links in this post will not help to feed my hungry cheese-loving children.

Cheese-o-meter

Without further fondue, here’s my Cheese List.

1. Triple Gloucester. The elusive holy grail of cheeses. From Gloucester.
2. Double Gloucester. If you have trouble finding Triple Gloucester, then you can’t go wrong with its populist sibling Double. Trump-like appearance, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a vote-winner. Biden-like quality: good all-rounder, mild, creamy, child-friendly, goes with most things, melts easily. Used in cheese rolling competitions. From Gloucester.
3. Single Gloucester. Pale and aloof, Double’s estranged half-sister. From Gloucester.
4. Mature Cheddar. Hard, white, crumbles under pressure. The epitome of Englishness in cheese form. Ideal in a cheese and tomato sandwich, or a Ploughman’s lunch. Mixes well (grated) with Double Gloucester. From Cheddar.
5. Vintage Mature Cheddar. See 4, but harder, whiter and crumblier.
6. Mild Cheddar. See 4, but less pale, slightly softer, and less crumbly. Almost tasteless. Pointless waste of milk.
7. Red Leicester. Underrated cheese. Red. Makes a fine cheese sauce for cauliflower or macaroni. Makes a great topping for a Shepherd’s Pie (better than mixing Cheddar and Gloucester - Gloucester can get a bit oily). From Leicester.
8. Wensleydale. White, crumbly. Perfect with a mince pie. From Wensleydale.
9. Lancashire, Lincolnshire, Cheshire. Lumping these all together not because they’re are all the same, but because it’s so long since I tried them I can’t remember what they are like. From Lancashire, Lincolnshire and Cheshire.
10. Gouda. Sliced foreign cheese. Kids eat it.
11. Edam. A very special Dutch cheese which is made backwards. Don’t eat the rind!
12. Jarlsberg. Sliced foreign cheese. Full of holes.
13. Emmental. Stringy cheese. Good for toasties and the bin.
14. Swiss cheese. American cheese. From Switzerland.
15. Brie. Fancy French cheese. Round, rindy, soft and stinky. Nice with a cracker.

17. Camembert. See 16. It’s like no cheese I’ve ever tasted.
18. Blue cheese. French. Mouldy. No thanks.
19. Stilton. See 18. Not French. From Stilton.
20. Ricotta. Soft, creamy. Perfect with spinach on a pizza, or better still in a calzone at Pizza World.
21. Mozzarella. On a pizza.
22. Mascarpone. In a cheesecake. Not a cake.
23. Halloumi. Fried. On its own or with olives, hummus, pitta. From Cyprus.
24. Feta. Greek salad. From Greece.
25. Cottage cheese. My Mum loves it. From a cottage. From-age?
26. Goats' cheese. From goats.
27. Sheep’s cheese. See 26, but from sheep.
28. Parmesan. Baby sick.
29. Smegma. You don’t want to know where it’s from. One of the first bands I was in at school was called The Amgems. We weren’t as good or as funny as we thought we were.
30. Lung cheese.