Current NaNoWriMo word count: 0.

Any mention of ‘baboon’ always reminds me of Stephen K Amos’s hilarious skit. .embed-container { position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0; overflow: hidden; max-width: 100%; } .embed-container iframe, .embed-container object, .embed-container embed { position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%; }

Mmmm… Redbush tea with black molasses sugar hits the spot.

WHY ENGLAND DON'T HAVE A HOPE IN HELL OF WINNING EURO 2012

Six years ago I wondered if the lack of Englishmen in Arsenal’s team (and most of the other leading Premier League teams) would herald a new era of Scotland-like failure for the England football team? Well, thanks in part to Arsene Wenger’s penchant for Saintly youth team players (Theo, The Ox), we’re not quite there, yet, although undercover Scotsman Steve McClaren successfully tried and failed to qualify for Euro 2008.

NO ONIONS, BUT PLENTY OF FIREWORKS WITH BIER

Abstract: Gertcha by the wiener. Tags: fireworks, photos, video, bier, Chas ‘n’ Dave, hot dogs Last night, eight of us from Enfield Clubhouse went to Alexandra Palace to see London’s largest and most popular fireworks display. Here’s a video I took. The fireworks were pretty and spectacular - worth seeing, if you like that kind of thing! After the fireworks, we climbed up the hill to the Palace itself and queued to get into the German Bier Festival.

BONFIRE OF THE POTATOES

Abstract: Everyone needs good neighbours. Tags: Bonfire Night, Guy Fawkes, neighbours On Saturday night, I shared a bonfire - in honour of the last person to enter the UK Parliament with honest intentions - with three Bolivians (all of whom have jobs, and at least one of whom has a cat), a Pole, a Catalan, an Irishman, several English people (one of Asian extraction and one born in Africa), a Roman candle or two, a Chinese lantern, twelve Lincolnshire sausages, some French’s American mustard, a large bag of pomme de terres of Peruvian ancestry, and a guy that looked like Frank Sidebottom.

(THERE'S ONLY ONE) JIMMY CARTER (THE FOOTBALLER, NOT THE PEANUT FARMER)

A long time ago, back in January 2010 in fact, Dan Lynch’s band 20lb Sounds released their song Jimmy Carter (20lb Sounds) / CC BY-SA 3.0: This is our first original release. It’s called Jimmy Carter and as you might expect it’s about… well… Jimmy Carter, the former US president. We didn’t set out to write a song about him particularly, it’s just that someone came out with the line “Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer”, and it had to be put into song.

TWENTY TEN (THE PREQUEL): THE CHEESEMAKER

Originally intended as a follow-up to part one of my milk-based food product styled personal review of 2010, this post quickly regressed into a metaphorical guide to the cheesemaking process, as you will see. By the end of the first week of March 2010, I felt like I was several thousand feet above sea level. High up a mountain, again, perhaps mostly due to the ever-decreasing capacity of my right lung, but plummeting to new emotional depths thanks to the leaden weights of my ever-increasing self-doubt and sense of despair, perhaps partly as a reaction to stopping taking my antidepressant medication (although I stopped because I was feeling worse, not better).

TWENTY TEN (PART ONE): HARD CHEESE

Abstract: Thankfully, there is no Part Two. Tags: snowcock, nanowrimo, manflu, cheese, depression Note: probably none of the links work now. I began 2010 by wishing everyone (except fascists) a Happy New Year and a promise to blog my reflections on the naughty decade in due course. Well, that will have to wait for another time, but here - thanks to my identi.ca memory aid - are my reflections on 2010.

THE WORLD CUP ON DRUGS: PURE-GRADE HEROIN CUT WITH SHAVINGS OF CLIVE TYLDESLEY

If England’s game against Algeria had been a Wimbledon tennis match, the two sides would still be at it today with the Dutch Master Johan Cruyff declaring it the greatest example of Total Crap Football ever played. Both sets of players would be awarded (honorary) knighthoods for their part in simulating Barnsley versus Grimsby Town at a freezing cold Oakwell on New Year’s Day in the late 1990s/early 2000s and no doubt the two managers would be encased in marble as a living testament to their obduracy.

NO FUTURE IN ENGLAND'S DREAMING? INSIDE THE MIND OF FABIO CAPELLO

Fabio Capello’s master plan to take England to the World Cup final is finally taking shape. On the evidence seen so far, truly it is something of a fantasy. The sorry bunch of posers (Wayne Rooney, our only hope and Sid Vicious-like talisman ready to self-destruct at any moment, excepted) that represent our once proud nation may fail even to qualify for the ‘It’s A Knockout’ stages let alone reach the final for what would be our finest hour-and-half (plus extra-time and penalties, if needed) for 44 years.

WATERBOARDING ON THE NHS

Abstract: Gagging for it. Tags: waterboarding, NHS, bronchoscopy, torture, worklessness, Nazi, psychotherapy, banana, splat On Another Planet this week: controversial new government plans to tackle ever increasing worklessness using waterboarding. Techniques refined and perfected by secret military personnel known only by their codename ‘Our Boys’ are being piloted by the NHS in an effort to ‘encourage and empower’ people claiming statutory sick pay to return to work. One persistent malingerer, who asked not to be identified, claimed that he was subjected to an horrific ordeal at the hands of his torturers and says he was tricked into believing he was just playing a game of ‘doctors and nurses’.

CONFESSIONS OF A THORACOTOMY PATIENT

Abstract: Lung-form blogging at its cheesiest. Tags: thoracotomy, empyema, decortication, cheese, collapsed lung, chest infection, pleurisy, NHS, Last week I met a beautiful young Hispanic woman and we spent the night together. She cared for me deeply and carefully, and I gazed upon her lovingly as the morphine (d)ripped through my veins. She checked me out and made sure that everything seemed to be in working order. ‘Hi, I’m Sofia,’ she said.

WHY ENGLAND DON'T HAVE A HOPE IN HELL OF WINNING THE FOOTBALL WORLD CUP IN 2010

We don’t have any goalkeepers who are not proven to be accidents waiting to happen. James, Green, Foster, Robinson. OK, so there is the untested Joe Hart.We don’t have any defenders who are fit or in form. Johnson, Ferdinand and Cole all injured. Terry playing like he has his pants down around his ankles half the time. Replacements (based on Capello’s selections so far) would be Brown, Lescott, Upson and Baines (since the useless Bridge has withdrawn).

UNITED, BORN AND BRED: SUPER GLUE MACARI

The only United match I’ve been to in recent years was last season’s FA Cup tie at home to Spurs, courtesy of E.on’s sponsorship and their Family Football initiative. I went with a couple of my ‘clients’ from work, had a great road trip and fantastic all-round experience. One’s a Spurs fan, and I know he felt a mixture of joy and anxiety sat in amongst all the United fans (even in the Family stand) when Spurs went 1-0 up.

WHY WE'RE CRAP: THE PROBLEM WITH ENGLISH FOOTBALL

It’s often the case that what in one sense is an undeniable strength can at the same time also be a real or potential weakness. English football’s great history and tradition raises everyone’s expectations, yet the English football team must compete on an increasingly commercialised and sophisticated international playing field. We have more fans, more money and more foreigners in our game than any other country, so it’s no surprise that when things don’t go to plan, everyone feels quite upset and let down.

A NEW SCOTLAND? WHY ENGLAND'S FOOTBALL TEAM WILL SOON BE AS SHIT AS SCOTLAND'S

Is an all-foreign Arsenal bad for English football? But if all our top teams are made up of non-Englishmen….

RED MISSED: HOW STEWART HOUSTON AND GORDON HILL MADE ME ANGRY AND DEPRESSED

United’s FA Cup tie with Wolves last weekend and Auntie’s ‘flashback’ (Rio Ferdinand?), reminded me to finally get around to posting a few of my own memories, originally prompted by George Best’s sad demise in November. George had quit United long before I can first remember watching them. But Best remained an important part of my United life - the school chant was “Georgie Best, Superstar, He walks like a woman and he wears a bra!

BANGERS 'N' MASH

I guess one reason I’m able to maintain my weight is all the healthy eating I’ve been doing lately. So I thought I’d share with the one or two people who come here some of my culinary creations. Who knows where it will lead? For Valentine’s Day I came up with the original and undoubtedly passionate meal idea of… sausages. Really it’s a sausage casserole (I looked at the back of a packet of Colman’s casserole mix in Tesco for the ingredients and just left out the cancer-causing stuff - not that I’m feeling superior in any way as I’m sure I’ve eaten plenty of it in the past), but I like to call it:

THE COLORADO TRAIL

I am rapt. Tight and warm in my sleeping bag, I stare out at the night sky. It is perfectly clear. My fellow hikers are nearby, and in the distance we can hear the sound of coyotes. They are neither barking nor howling, but something between the two, as if they are calling to one another. Their calls become louder. In the corner of my eye I can see our food, in white plastic bags, hanging from a tree.

MULTI-CULTURAL SOCIETIES

Mark Twain once informed a preacher visiting Hartford that every word of a sermon the latter had just delivered was in a book at Twain’s home. Concerned about the apparent plagiarism, the preacher was only too grateful to receive the book in a parcel at his hotel. It was a dictionary (Wister ziii). As one of Twain’s characters, Huckleberry Finn, said of his creator, he told the truth, mainly (Twain 441).

BIG (IN AMERICA)

A mass twiddling of thumbs and looking at the ceiling prompted me: “It’s Big,” I said. They laughed. Little did they know. All were there, as I was, to find out more about exchange programmes to America. The speaker, Rick, was an American from student services. Rick wanted to know what were our preconceptions of his country? I told him. Impressions gained from film, television and literature ensured I was right about the houses, the cars and the roads.