Today’s menu (illustrations by big kid).
Half a leftover and browning avocado made my fried eggs something special this morning.
THE ART OF A GOOD SANDWICH
Let’s get something out of the way before we get into the meat, or the filling, of this post. A sandwich is two slices of bread. Buttered.
I don’t want to hear anything about OPEN sandwiches. Open sandwiches are like open marriages. Great if you want someone else to have your other half.
The art of a good sandwich:
-
Use multiple fillings. Four is a good number.
-
Less is more. Don’t over egg it.
For example, tonight I cleared out some leftovers and turned them into a great sandwich: two slices of ham, half an avocado (sliced), three cherry tomatoes (quartered), a squirt of mayonnaise, chopped dried chives and three or four spoons of sweet and hot jalapenos out of a jar.
Many times I’ve got halfway through a “classic” cheese and tomato sandwich and thought “it’s too cheesy.” A squirt of mayo and a sprinkling of chives world have saved it. Some of that jalapeno magic would have made it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against sandwiches with fewer than four fillings. When I was recovering from Covid, all I could eat was cheese and pickle sandwiches. I like a jam sandwich occasionally. And if it’s a crust, I’ll even eat it in an “open” jam sandwich (or bread and jam as we call it).
Which brings me on to toast. Toast and marmalade is not a sandwich. Cheese on toast is not a sandwich. Avocado toast is not a sandwich. But two rounds of toast with a filling inside IS a toasted sandwich. (See how simple this is?)
Now, with toasted sandwiches I would advocate sticking to one or two fillings. (Melted) cheese is always a winner with the kids. Grown-ups might like to add some chopped ham, onions or mushrooms. My little kid’s current favourite is “honey toast”.
In between Yorkshire and xmas puddings…
Yorkshire pudding followed by xmas pudding.
Oops! Forgot to buy Yorkshires and had to make my own (for the first time).
Looks all right!
Today’s offerings.
Leftover slice of pizza and blackberry and apple crumble for brunch.
Tomorrow’s veggies almost all done.
✅ Roasted carrots and parsnips.
✅ Mashed potatoes.
✅ Roasted potatoes.
Xmas pizza.
Perfect cheese omelette this morning.
Two eggs whisked lightly for two minutes into a hot pan with melted butter. Added some leftover Gouda sliced cheese and a sprinkling of grated mature cheddar and Double Gloucester, chives, cherry tomatoes quartered.
Served off with parsley, salt and pepper, and a spoonful of sweet, hot jalapenos, and two rounds of burnt toast.
Apple crumble is one of my five a day, right?
Best naans in Southall Green!
At the risk of coming off like a poor man’s Gregg Wallace, I enjoy a four nut granola every morning.
As well as being addicted to Duolingo, my lad is addicted to crumpets, and I’m his crumpet dealer.
[@spgreenhalgh](https://micro.blog/spgreenhalgh) my ten year old is addicted to Duolingo. He has a 66 day streak and is compelled to keep it going. Plus he's learnt some Spanish (which he previously hated). I'm in two minds. I don't like the addiction, but the five minutes every day is a good habit.
Years ago, I would grab a Greggs sausage roll every morning for breakfast on the way into work.
Is this the end for Greggs sausage rolls?
Some more pizza prep and cooked pics. 🍕🍕🍕
Making pizza.
Dough has risen once, now going back under the cling film to rise again.
Used wholemeal bread flour as I didn’t have any of my usual white. Didn’t use as much semolina flour as usual, either, but what was leftover. Mainly pasta flour and some white rye.
Salt, sugar, honey, olive oil all added to the mix (along with yeast and hand hot water, obvs).
“Volcano with exploding baked bean and cheese lava” for lunch.
Big kid is getting one of his five a day.
Little kid not interested (despite his love of volcanoes, lava and baked beans).
Breathing calmed down so went for a short walk to the corner shop with Kid A where he bought a can of baked beans with his own cash.
Then we walked around the long block talking about how those beans are now his beans, what would happen to the beans if I reimbursed him with a bank transfer, what he could do with a bottomless backpack, the striking similarity between the Chinese lion adorning a neighbour’s drive wall and the Chinese lions outside the Chinese restaurant in Spilsby, and how Lime bikes are taking over the world.
Breathless!
A million housewives every day
Pick up a can of beans and say
“What an amazing example of
Synchronisation!”
Or in my case, “£1.59?! What a rip-off!”
Love this coffee.
Took a couple of weeks to get used to it after the previous regular one they sent me (which was a Columbian " Milk chocolate").
My first attempt at a very simple recipe my Mum used to make fifty years ago.
Little kid: “I like onion and cheese [crisps]!”
Me: “Cheese and onion pie?”
Little kid: " Eugh!"
This went down well with the missus!
Yesterday’s Mac* ‘n’ Cheese went down well with me and big kid. It’s one of his favourites.
*Penne
SAUSAGES
Lincolnshire sausages are the finest sausages you can get.
I remember as a boy, fifty years ago, my grandmother making sausages at home for the local butcher. Sometimes, she would let me feed the sausage meat into the machine and then turn the handle to push it through into the skins.
A special treat then was boiled sausages for breakfast. The skins would fall off, and we ate them with white bread soaked in the soup or broth they created in the pan along with a dash of English mustard.
In later years, my Mum would travel to Boston in south Lincolnshire from her home in north Lincolnshire specially to buy sausages from the butcher who made the best Lincolnshire sausages.
She would freeze them and pack me off with ten or twelve wrapped in old newspaper whenever I came back to visit from university or when I first moved to Manchester and then London.
I haven’t had a proper Lincolnshire sausage for many years now. The ones we get now are made in Hampshire. They’re nice enough, better than any other variety of supermarket sausage I’ve tried, but you wouldn’t want to boil them.
They’re pretty versatile. They’re great with mashed potatoes and gravy, in a special Valentine’s casserole, in a Yorkshire pudding, with xmas dinner wrapped in bacon, in a bread finger roll with (or without) onions and ketchup, in a sandwich or, as my kids like to eat them, cold on their own in the bath after school.
Add vegetables to tea.
Get soup.
Every time someone mentions Croissant (for cross-posting) I hear big kid’s Mum telling him, “You can’t have croissants for breakfast every morning!”
After last week’s early mince pie tasting, I’m road-testing an approximation of xmas dinner.
What’s missing?
MY CHEESE-O-METER
For the best sensation, please read this post at room temperature.
What’s so special about the cheesemakers?
Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
Now, I’m going to milk this for all it’s worth, but I would question the last sentence. I’m going to stick to cheese. Not literally, of course. That would be messy and smelly. Always wash your hands after operating cheese.
I’m going to stick to cheese, metaphorically - for the benefit of the cheeseless.
[@davidmarsden](https://micro.blog/davidmarsden) I am still waiting, cheeseless.
Cheeseboard Disclaimer
While I don’t consider myself to be any kind of big cheese - I’m not a cheese authority or cheese expert - I’m perfectly qualified to write a cheesy summary of my life in cheese.
Please note that I am not affiliated to the Cheese Marketing Board, and clicking any of the links in this post will not help to feed my hungry cheese-loving children.
Cheese-o-meter
Without further fondue, here’s my Cheese List.
- Triple Gloucester. The elusive holy grail of cheeses. From Gloucester.
- Double Gloucester. If you have trouble finding Triple Gloucester, then you can’t go wrong with its populist sibling Double. Trump-like appearance, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a vote-winner. Biden-like quality: good all-rounder, mild, creamy, child-friendly, goes with most things, melts easily. Oily. Used in cheese rolling competitions. From Gloucester.
- Single Gloucester. Pale and aloof, Double’s estranged half-sister. From Gloucester.
- Mature Cheddar. Hard, white, crumbles under pressure. The epitome of Englishness in cheese form. Ideal in a cheese and tomato sandwich, or a Ploughman’s lunch. Mixes well (grated) with Double Gloucester. From Cheddar.
- Vintage Mature Cheddar. See 4, but harder, whiter and crumblier.
- Mild Cheddar. See 4, but less pale, slightly softer, and less crumbly. Almost tasteless. Pointless waste of milk.
- Red Leicester. Underrated cheese. Red. Makes a fine cheese sauce for cauliflower or macaroni. Makes a great topping for a Shepherd’s Pie (better than mixing Cheddar and Gloucester - Gloucester can get a bit oily). From Leicester.
- Wensleydale. White, crumbly. Perfect with a mince pie. From Wensleydale.
- Lancashire, Lincolnshire, Cheshire. Lumping these all together not because they’re are all the same, but because it’s so long since I tried them I can’t remember what they are like. From Lancashire, Lincolnshire and Cheshire.
- Gouda. Sliced foreign cheese. Kids eat it.
- Edam. A very special Dutch cheese which is made backwards. Don’t eat the rind!
- Jarlsberg. Sliced foreign cheese. Full of holes.
- Emmental. Stringy cheese. Good for toasties and the bin.
- Swiss cheese. American cheese. From Switzerland.
- Brie. Fancy French cheese. Round, rindy, soft and stinky. Nice with a cracker.
- Camembert. See 16. It’s like no cheese I’ve ever tasted.
- Blue cheese. French. Mouldy. No thanks.
- Stilton. See 18. Not French. From Stilton.
- Ricotta. Soft, creamy. Perfect with spinach on a pizza, or better still in a calzone at Pizza World.
- Mozzarella. On a pizza.
- Mascarpone. In a cheesecake. Not a cake.
- Halloumi. Fried. On its own or with olives, hummus, pitta. From Cyprus.
- Feta. Greek salad. From Greece.
- Cottage cheese. My Mum loves it. From a cottage. From-age?
- Goats' cheese. From goats.
- Sheep’s cheese. See 26, but from sheep.
- Parmesan. Baby sick.
- Smegma. You don’t want to know where it’s from. One of the first bands I was in at school was called The Amgems. We weren’t as good or as funny as we thought we were.
- Lung cheese.
Not the most attractive presentation, but it’s all about the taste sensation.
Cheddar on the left. Wensleydale on the right.
I thought I’d done great with these pizzas, but big kid ate only three slices (he can usually eat all eight) and spat out his salami, little kid said he doesn’t like the sauce (it’s out of a tin, the same he usually eats), and the missus said hers was burnt and inedible (although she still ate it).
Scored this bag of Akash Gold at the local Tesco Express.
Light and fluffy indeed.
Chilli sans carne was amazing.
Big kid gave the rice 11/10.
Achievement unlocked.
Handed my four year old a slice of ham for his lunch.
“Yay! Pink chicken!”
Now we know what he meant yesterday when he turned his nose up at spicy chicken and said “I like pink chicken!”
SPUDS UP!
We harvested the last three of eleven potato bags at the weekend. A decent crop, and very tasty.
Highlights were regular watering and earthing up (using homegrown compost) with my kids, and big kid’s tenth birthday party where his friends got to (among other fun activities) harvest the first three bags and take home a potato bag each.
Fond memories of going potato picking with my mum in the Lincolnshire Wolds in the early 1970s.
Unusually productive morning.
- taught big kid how to convert fractions into decimals and percentages and vice versa
- voted for Mayor of London, constituency London Assembly Member and London-wide member
- bought some fruit and brown baps
- collected big kid’s prescriptions and recycled his expired epipens
- got six freshly baked garlic naans from my local naan shop
- got some decent exercise
Nine year old said he wanted to grow some potatoes, so we planted chitted seed potatoes in bags tonight.
He said he didn’t know it was so much work!
DISHING IT OUT
Following on from the pots and pans incident, my wife has decreed that the bamboo plates and bowls I bought as child-safe alternatives to our regular crockery are in fact likely coated with melamine and, therefore, toxic.
She’s probably right, although only for hot food. I had noticed that my hot food tasted a bit funny using these, but I think they’re fine for sandwiches and such.
She claims her eggs taste better (“like childhood”) cooked in our new stainless steel frying pan. I used it to cook an omelette for the first time yesterday, and it was undoubtedly the best omelette I’ve ever tasted. Is that possible?
TOO MUCH PRESSURE
Inevitably, as I sit here in the cafe next to my son’s swimming lesson, unable to drink coffee because the cafe is permanently closed, my mind wanders and starts thinking about coffee.
For most of my adult life, I’ve started the day with a cup of tea. Regular English breakfast tea. PG Tips, Tetley. Milk and sugar.
Tea was always my preferred drink, but I did like a cup of instant coffee or two later in the morning, but only if it was one I liked. I wasn’t fond of Nescafe or the other regular blends.
A few years ago, I switched to Rooibos (redbush) tea, and never went back. I also started appreciating real coffee made in a French press, and later got my own Aeropress. What really sealed the coffee deal, was discovering fresh coffee beans that aren’t burnt (Pact Coffee).
About three years ago, I backed a Kickstarter campaign to build an affordable, portable espresso maker, CoffeeJack.
Now, I’m not one of those people who backs a lot of these types of things, although it wasn’t my first or last. I understand that it’s not like ordering from Amazon or anywhere else. You’re backing a project with money in the hope that it’s successful and that you end up with a product that works as described. There’s no guarantee.
Now, CoffeeJack delivered about three years after they got my money. Which is a long time! They had lots of problems along the way, including, of course, the covid pandemic. So fair play to them for getting their project finished at all. And it was worth the wait, in my opinion. They produced exactly what they promised, and for six months I had two cups a day of the best coffee I’ve ever tasted.
Sadly, just when I thought I’d cracked it, I cracked the bayonet on my CoffeeJack. Too much pressure, to quote The Selector.
BOLOGNESE!
Last week, we had a new front door fitted.
That morning, I took it upon myself to prepare a bolognese before the doormen arrived so that we didn’t need to get in each other’s way, and so that we had something to eat for lunch for the next few days.
I make my bolognese in a 12" frying pan and cover it with a grease splatter fine mesh to let it cook slowly for a few hours. When the doormen arrived, that’s exactly what my bolognese was doing.
What I didn’t realise, until it was too late, is that the dust from their drilling and general doormen work was settling on the stove top in front of my bolognese on the back of the stove.
This was brought to my attention by my wife, who was already in a state of being very upset by the new door hanging to the right and not the left like her old door.
I inspected the bolognese and the splatter mesh cover carefully for signs of white paint dust similar the to very evident white paint dust sitting on top of the stove.
I honestly couldn’t see anything, although the bolognese did have quite a sheen (although this was after I’d just added some milk to it).
Anyway, my wife refused to eat it, so I had no choice, really, but to eat all of it over the next four days.
If anything, it tasted a bit spicier than normal, not in a bad way, and I have not grown any extra fingers, yet.
This is why I’m always frothing at the mouth.
First salad of the Sum…, er, Spring.
Baked bread with my little kid using my pizza dough recipe (substituted wholemeal flour for white flour).
Turned out nice enough that we both ate it.
Mmm… 🥦🥬🥕🇮🇪☘️
Sarnie. White rye bread with caraway seeds, salt beef, celeriac remoulade, pickled gherkins.
Good enough to eat!
Waiting for my 🍕 dough to rise…
HP sauce in the gravy adds a sweetness and edge to the pie. The carrots and leeks roasted together are sweet and sharp, too.
Little kid cried when I gave him some on his plate. He had his favourite chicken pie instead.
Grated cheese to top my Shepherd’s Pie*.
Got into the habit of always using a mix of extra mature Cheddar and Double Gloucester.
*Might be a Cottage Pie
Frying chips. First batch done.
Blended and warmed up leftover roasted carrots and parsnips with steamed sprouts, added instant onion gravy (in the absence otherwise of onion and garlic), salt, pepper, cumin and garam masala.
Surpringly tasty with a swirl of cream.
Roasting:
❌ Turkey
✅ Chicken legs
✅ Pigs in blankets
✅ Stuffing
✅ Parsnips
✅ Carrots
✅ Potatoes
Chopped and ready to boil for mashing:
✅ Potatoes
Ready to steam:
✅ Sprouts
Chilling:
✅ San Leo Prosecco DOC
Still frozen:
✅ Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire Puddings
First mince pie of the season!
SPECIAL XMAS LUNCH MENU
Starter: Seasonal Word Soup
Main course: Roast Gobbledegook with all the trimmings including sage and EU stuffing balls
Dessert: Traditional lemon biscuit
Christmas Lunch Special Diet Option for Non Special Diet Registered Pupils
Our catering company is offering a Christmas Lunch and for pupils who do not normally use the service and have an allergy but would like to take part in the Christmas lunch the below options are available.
This is only for pupils who have an allergy/intolerance that is covered by the 14 in EU allergen legislation*. If the allergy/ intolerance is outside the EU 14 and the pupil is not registered as a special diet with the catering company, then they must continue to have a packed lunch.
This is designed to safeguard children who have food allergies and intolerances, while allowing then to take part in the Christmas Lunch, and to also support the catering staff involved in the preparation and service of the Christmas Lunch. Please refer to the Dietary Safeguarding Policy for more information.
Please complete the form below by ticking one or more of the options you wish your child to have. Please sign and date to consent you are happy for your child to be served the selected options and return it to the school who will then hand this to the kitchen staff.
Yesterday’s chilli today. 🌶️
🍕🍕
Pizza is in the oven. Can finally sit down and relax for ten minutes.
I got my 🍕 dough dough risin'.
Forgot to say that I feed my yeast with malt extract rather than sugar…
Proving my yeast, and mixing pasta flour with semolina flour, strong white bread flour, dark rye flour (first time I’ve tried this), salt and olive oil.🍕
Making pizza today, so defrosting some fresh yeast.
Meantime, it’s breakfast. Egg and home fries for me. Weetabix for the little one, and bagel for the big one.
Big one is in the bathroom feeling nauseous because of the smell of smoked paprika.
I added a few finely chopped and fried onion pieces to my home fries for brunch.
Must remember to try using smoked paprika next time.
I’m about to eat a yum yum.
STRAWBERRIES FOR PIGS?
Little did we know at the time, but these little strawberries were usually engulfed in a toxic plume of benzene, naphthalene, and god only knows what else.
Sensibly, the wife refused to eat them.
We later discovered that official planning documents for the nearby old gasworks, which was being dug up in the open air for new homes to be built on the contaminated land, stated that no vegetables should be grown on the land. Ever!
Ealing Council Leader Julian Bell publicly blamed 'the wrong kind of wind', and – quite possibly – privately blamed 'fucking moaners'. All the while racking up over £30,000 in declared gifts and hospitality from developers including Berkeley Group, who were digging up the gasworks land.
Our soon-to-be local ward councillor and (ex-)Head of Planning Peter Mason knew all about the dangers (he tells us on Twitter) from the contaminated land back in 2009 when he campaigned against its development along with our MP Virendra Sharma (who said the development would be 'a disaster environmentally').
Yet no one told people living nearby to expect to be gassed in our own homes and gardens during the three month heatwave that was shortly to arrive.
In fact, Ealing Council announced on Twitter that the odours, while 'unpleasant', were 'not harmful to health' would be 'gone in a few days'.
I later discovered that there is scientific evidence that some people with Asian and African heritages are genetically more vulnerable to very serious and sometimes fatal health conditions from inhaling naphthalene, a fact acknowledged (although later denied, despite the published evidence) by Public Health England at a packed public meeting in July 2019.
No one told us.
Ealing Council, despite being fully aware of the potential dangers to health (and to the environment) failed to carry out any kind of Equalities Impact Assessment, and only helped Berkeley Group to rush through the decontamination process to maximise their profit from Crossrail in Southall.
Profit over people. Labour Council. Our lives didn't matter to them.
Now, we are being asked to believe that our MP (who has begun making the right noises two years too late – what happened to the nearly 1,000 signature petition I gave you in 2018 Mr Sharma?) cares and is on our side, and that our local ward councillor cares and always has done. Only Bell is – unusually for him – honest enough not to suddenly pretend he gives a shit about anyone but himself and looking after his own family.
At the packed public meeting in 2019, which our local ward councillor chaired, he and Bell refused to declare their financial interests with Berkeley Group, refused to let me speak with the microphone so that people couldn't hear that the Council, Berkeley Group, the Environment Agency and Public Health England had all colluded to cover up the real level of toxic and carcinogenic air pollution – that it was consistently above legal limits and rising – by manipulating, removing, and presenting the air quality data in such a way as to make it look like it was mostly within legal limits.
At the same meeting, our MP arrived late, mostly unseen, sat silently at the back of the room, and left early, mostly unseen. At the same meeting, a strangely truthful Bell admitted that he had 'known about the nuisance, the BAD nuisance, for two and a half years'! Yet nothing could be done.
Now Peter Mason, free from his constraints as Head of Planning after resigning following his failed coup attempt to take the leadership from Bell last year, is telling us that something could and should have been done, yet all of them remained silent and did nothing for years.
Unbelievable!
Eating cold turkey, ham, pork pie, Lincolnshire sausage and haslet. Reminiscing about pig’s chap, chine and brawn.
Mmmm… Redbush tea with black molasses sugar hits the spot.
NO ONIONS, BUT PLENTY OF FIREWORKS WITH BIER
Abstract: Gertcha by the wiener. Tags: fireworks, photos, video, bier, Chas ‘n’ Dave, hot dogs
Last night, eight of us from Enfield Clubhouse went to Alexandra Palace to see London’s largest and most popular fireworks display. Here’s a video I took. The fireworks were pretty and spectacular - worth seeing, if you like that kind of thing!
After the fireworks, we climbed up the hill to the Palace itself and queued to get into the German Bier Festival. To call it a Festival is really a big overstatement. It’s a few years since I went to a beer festival and it was most likely Up North in deepest, darkest Bury, Lancashire, or somewhere like that. Maybe they do them differently Down South, but this was a bit of a let down. One tiny little bar, like you might find in a marquee at a modern marketed music festival. One brand of German Bier - Paulaner - and only two varieties: Munich and Weiss. The Weiss was off by the time I had been pushed and shoved forward by the ten deep bar queue. If you didn’t fancy Paulaner Munich, you could have that old Bavarian favourite, Foster’s. And they insisted on calling it Bier, which makes me wonder how authentic it really was. Not that authenticity seemed to be high on the agenda as it was all served in the obligatory health and safety plastic beakers.
So, we all got beer and seats in the Great Hall by which time a bunch of Cockney Irish fiddlers and banjoists started murdering Pogues' classics, much to the delight of the mostly student audience who I’m sure were out of their minds by now. Not that it stopped one of the thieving little tykes nicking my beer when I laid it down to rest and turned my back for five minutes.
What followed is a little hazy - maybe the bier was real, after all.
I fear that I may have danced to Chas But Not Dave or Chas And His Band or whatever Chas ‘n’ Dave are now known as. I was a little disturbed by the large, bald bass player, especially when he kept repeating ‘Gertcha!’ like an overly loud belch, totally drowning out scrawny-looking Chas on vocals.
To make matters worse, on leaving, I stopped for a Hot Dog.
‘Sorry, no onions’ said the serving assistant.
‘Oh, that’s a shame. I like onions on my Hot Dog. So. They are £3.00 with onions, right?’
‘That’s right, sir, but we don’t have any onions left.’
‘No, you don’t. So, if it’s £3.00 with onions… how much is it for a Hot Dog without onions?’
‘It’s £3.00, sir. With or without onions.’
By this time I was already in full Basil Fawlty mode.
‘I’d like a discount, please. If it’s £3.00 for a Hot Dog with onions, then I’d like 20% off for a Hot Dog without onions.’
‘It’s £3.00, sir. With or without onions.’
‘How can it be the same price, with or without onions?’
‘It’s £3.00, sir. With or without onions.’
‘So, can I have a discount, then or not? I’m willing to pay £2.40 for a Hot Dog without onions. If only you’d removed the empty onion trays and not told me you had no onions I’d never have known. Or you could scrape up the remaining slivers and let me have those….’
Now, I felt like Yossarian in Catch-22 trying to get out of the Air Force by being crazy, but being told that he couldn’t be crazy because he wanted to leave. And only a sane man would want to leave.
‘I’m sorry, sir, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t give a discount. I just work here. It’s £3.00, sir. With or without onions.’
‘You could give me a discount if you wanted to. I’m sure you could.’
The guy (no pun intended) behind me piped up, offering to call the Office Of Fair Trading. I suggested that they might want to consult the Sale Of Consumer Goods Act.
‘I can’t give a discount, sir. It’s £3.00, with or without onions.’
‘OK, I give in. I’ll have a Hot Dog without onions for £3.00.’
‘You have to pay first, sir.’
‘What?! But you just gave him one! He hasn’t paid yet!’
‘I’m sorry, sir. You have to pay first and then I’ll give you the Hot Dog.’
A young American woman approached me.
‘Please stop harassing my staff, sir.’
‘What?! Harassing your staff?! You’ve got to be joking?!’
‘No, sir. You’re harassing my staff. Now, please stop it or I will have to call Security to come and remove you.’
‘All I want is a Hot Dog with onions for £3.00 as advertised. If you don’t have onions, then fine, I’ll buy a bareback Hot Dog for £2.40.’
‘Sir, you can buy a Hot Dog without onions for £3.00 or go without.’
‘Why can’t you give me a discount?’
‘I only work here, sir. I can’t give you a discount.’
‘Hang on. I thought you were in charge? Surely you can use your discretion and keep your customers happy? I just spent plenty of money tonight on donating to the cost of the fireworks display and buying beer for me and my friends.’
‘What’s your problem, mate?’ asked a student grumpily and who looked like he had dyed his original wiry ginger hair black. ‘It says Hot Dogs £3.00. Doesn’t say anything about onions.’
‘No, I know it doesn’t say anything about onions. That’s a very good point. And that’s why I’m not going to engage you in any further conversation. Enjoy your Hot Dog! Thank you all and goodnight.’
Thanks also, to Lee, Gemma, Michael, Atul, Dan, Raheem and Angelina for making it a fun night out. And my apologies for any offence caused to the Hot Dog stand workers.
BONFIRE OF THE POTATOES
Abstract: Everyone needs good neighbours. Tags: Bonfire Night, Guy Fawkes, neighbours
On Saturday night, I shared a bonfire - in honour of the last person to enter the UK Parliament with honest intentions - with three Bolivians (all of whom have jobs, and at least one of whom has a cat), a Pole, a Catalan, an Irishman, several English people (one of Asian extraction and one born in Africa), a Roman candle or two, a Chinese lantern, twelve Lincolnshire sausages, some French’s American mustard, a large bag of pomme de terres of Peruvian ancestry, and a guy that looked like Frank Sidebottom.
Oh, and - long-time readers of my blog who have not yet required a psychotherapeutic intervention will be pleased to note - some onions.
The onions went down particularly well. I fried them myself. They were so good, people asked me ‘How did you make them?’. ‘I fried them,’ I said. Did I sweat them, or cook them slowly? Not deliberately. There was a lot of them. No, I have never made French onion soup.
I also cooked the sausages. All I did was put them under the grill and turn them over occasionally, in between supping hot mulled wine in our neighbours’ garden and nipping back across the close to knock back some warm English ale and make sure our house wasn’t on fire. Unfortunately, that’s also when they burned FrankGuy. So, sorry, no pics. (I also conducted a thought experiment about making a vegetarian alternative to sausages.)
One of the Bolivians wrapped the pomme de terres in tin foil and buried them in the burning embers of the bonfire to cook while a committee of English people tried to work out how to set the Chinese lantern alight. The token environmental activist present complained that setting a Chinese lantern alight wasn’t very environmentally friendly, and to be honest, I had some sympathy with her. Still, we were getting drunk, and this Chinese lantern was going up, one way or another. And up it went.
Perhaps the launching committee might have considered the location of the launchpad - well, actually, they did. ‘There’s a park five minutes walk from here,’ I said. ‘We’re not going there,’ they said. So, finally, we lit and launched the lantern in the close, and it rose up and up. Up and straight into the tree. Where it stayed, burning away in amongst the damp Autumn leaves. It’s still there now.
We burned some more pallets on the fire and then dug out the apples of the earth with a spade. The foil came off some of them in the process, to reveal glowing red potato coals within. Someone expertly cut the spuds in half and applied butter to the hot flesh, and passed them around with napkins and spoons. It was the best tasting potato I’ve ever had.
BANGERS 'N' MASH
I guess one reason I’m able to maintain my weight is all the healthy eating I’ve been doing lately. So I thought I’d share with the one or two people who come here some of my culinary creations. Who knows where it will lead?
For Valentine’s Day I came up with the original and undoubtedly passionate meal idea of… sausages. Really it’s a sausage casserole (I looked at the back of a packet of Colman’s casserole mix in Tesco for the ingredients and just left out the cancer-causing stuff - not that I’m feeling superior in any way as I’m sure I’ve eaten plenty of it in the past), but I like to call it:
Bangers ‘n’ Mash:
- olive oil
- chilli oil
- garlic paste
- herbs and spices: dried sage, parsley, oregano, - paprika, black pepper, sea salt
- baby onions
- green pepper
- mushrooms
- tinned, chopped plum tomatoes
- instant onion gravy
- tomato ketchup
- cooked Lincolnshire sausages
- potatoes
- butter
- milk
This is a nice way to use up some leftover sausages - you don’t have to use Lincolnshire sausages, any will do, same with most of the ingredients. I just use what’s available to me. This will make enough for four servings.
Get a large pan for your peeled and, washed and finely chopped potatoes, adding a drop of olive oil and some sea salt and covering with water. Put it on a high heat until it comes to the boil, then simmer for fifteen to twenty minutes or until the potatoes are soft enough to mash easily.
Assuming you have some pre-cooked sausages and you’ve prepared all the veg, heat up your wok or large frying pan, add a good shake of olive oil, chilli oil to suit your taste and a little butter to stop the oil from burning. When it’s hot, add a teaspoon of garlic paste, a shake of the herbs and spices followed quickly by the onions, peppers and mushrooms and stir-fry on a high heat for a few minutes.
The longer you do it, the softer and smaller the peppers and mushrooms will be, so do it as you like it. Add the tomatoes, make up half a pint of instant onion gravy and stir it in. Add a teaspoon of ketchup (or use lemon juice, vinegar and sugar) and the pre-cooked sausages.
Leave to simmer for at least twenty minutes. When the potatoes are ready, drain and mash with a dollop of butter and a little milk.
Serve.
Like most foods, it will taste even better the following night re-heated.