Mistake from Bruno playing out of position and out of harm’s way in central midfield, giving the ball away for a corner, which leads to a mistake from the impeded goalkeeper and defenders. 1-0 Arsenal. New signing Sesko on the bench.

I thought United started well enough, but in the end the decision to start both Mount and Fernandes cost us. Bruno is surely more effective in Mount’s role tonight, and it was Bruno’s mistake that led to Spurs' goal on the break. An extra defensive midfielder might have stopped the break, and it seems a strange decision to leave Casemiro as a lone DM after everything this season - his form and pace against PL opposition, and Amorim’s cast iron belief in his system. Now we’re chasing the game in the second half when it would have been advantageous to bring on a fresh Mason Mount. Only consolation is that Spurs have generally been even worse than United throughout the season, so there’s still hope.

Pleased also that Maguire elected to head the ball this time to score the last minute winner. Even if he was clearly offside.

It’s crazy that we can all see this almost instaneously and no one would have a problem with it if the goal was disallowed. Exactly what VAR is supposed to do.

Arsenal match report

For some reason this match report is in four acts:

Maguire nutmegged himself…

Sterling looked on with impressive sideburns.

Wolves match report

We watched Wallace and Gromit this afternoon, which everyone enjoyed, little kid was particularly excited.

After that, despite protests from the kids, I watched United at lowly Wolves. I’d been convinced beforehand that this was a game the new Portuguese manager must surely win. At half-time it was 0-0 and I thought it was hard to see either team scoring (or not conceding).

Within a couple of minutes of the restart Bruno stupidly got himself sent off for fouling the Wolves right back in the Wolves' half. Needless, and it left the ten men looking bereft without their leader, talisman, only creative outlet and most likely goal threat.

Wolves soon capitalised and deservedly went ahead. I thought United looked a little better when Casemiro and Eriksen replaced the ineffectual Mainoo and Ugarte in central midfield late on, but even then United looked like they did under Ten Hag - lost.

Yes, we can see what the new manager is trying to do. 3-4-2-1. But it doesn’t work, for whatever reasons. And like Ten Hag, he has no Plan B. Can he have lost the dressing room already? He seems to have alienated Rashford and Casemiro, and while both have their faults, both could be important players, too. Their replacements are worse.

Wolves scored a second with virtually the last kick of the game, and their new Portuguese manager recorded his second win in two games playing 3-4-2-1.

In my opinion, United should be playing a counter-attacking 4-3-3 and playing to our strengths (fast wingers), which would secure our perennial weakness (central midfield), and protect our defence. Instead we’re playing a new system, which no one seems to understand and that seems to play to no one’s strengths.

Of course, maybe we just need more patience and in another ten games it will all look different. Or we could be looking over our shoulders at the bottom three.

Clear and obvious error

After watching and re-watching the same three-second clip of nothing happening for so long that here in the UK we had to put our clocks back another hour just to have enough time to finish the game, the match referee (Ross from Friends look-a-like David Coote) turned to face what he knew would be a worldwide audience of millions of armchair experts like me yelling “VAR! WTF!” at the screen in front of us. You could see in his face and his body language that he knew just like us it was ludicrous. Another referee sat in a business park office just down the road from me had told him to review his original decision - that nothing had happened - because the ref had made “a clear and obvious” error of judgment.

The late penalty awarded by VAR and converted by West Ham and England’s Jarrod Bowen should duly result in the termination of the losing manager’s contract. That’s football. This VAR rubbish isn’t, but we have to live with it for now.

This particular fiasco neatly sums up the entire ETH tenure. A clear and obvious error, if ever there was one, and yet we are forced to watch repeat after repeat, week after week of him getting it wrong. Team selections, tactics, transfers, substitutions. A bald man somehow getting balder every time the full time whistle blows.

If only United had a VAM. A Video Assistant Manager. Another (more capable manager) sat in a nearby office watching the game on a screen like you or me, who could intervene at key moments during the build-up to the game (team selection), during the game (tactical changes and subs), and off the pitch (transfers, man-management) to a whisper into Ten Hag’s hairless ear: “Hold on, Eric. I think that signing Antony for £80m is a clear and obvious error” or “Hi Eric, Maguire’s a fucking liability mate” or “Eric, pal. We need to talk. Onana?” I could go on but you get the drift.

Now, I know everyone rightly hates VAR for ruining the game, and it would be unfair to blame ETH for ruining United. But VAM would make it much more entertaining.

Palace Match Report

Watched the United game (on my laptop) yesterday, having missed the Southampton and Barnsley games.

A big improvement on the Liverpool debacle, especially in the first half.

Dalot playing as a LB, DM and playmaker/midfield general all at once was as unexpected as it was impressive.

Eriksen starting, to maintain the creative link he made with Mainoo against Barnsley we’re told, was also unexpected, but it too somehow worked. Drifting left to cover Dalot rather undid his link with Mainoo, though.

Rashford benched, supposedly for “rotation”, went against all known football management laws about not changing a winning team and playing players who are in form and scoring goals.

It almost worked as Garnacho (who always looks like he has a goal in him, if nothing else) replaced him, but hit the bar with a thunderous effort from wide of the penalty box.

When the subs came, they undid all our tactical and positional advantage, perhaps as much due to Palace’s positive changes as United’s later nearly self-defeating swaps. Ugarte was a downgrade on Dalot and less of a creative menace or goalscoring threat than the unfairly maligned Casemiro might have been. Rashford, and then Hojlund, couldn’t hold the ball up or link up the play like Zirkzee did. But by then our shape had gone and Palace were on top.

Lucky to come away with a draw in the end, thanks to an incredible double save from Onana and wasteful finishing from Eze, although we should have won the game in the first half an hour.

The World Cup on drugs: pure-grade heroin cut with shavings of Clive Tyldesley

If England’s game against Algeria had been a Wimbledon tennis match, the two sides would still be at it today with the Dutch Master Johan Cruyff declaring it the greatest example of Total Crap Football ever played.

Both sets of players would be awarded (honorary) knighthoods for their part in simulating Barnsley versus Grimsby Town at a freezing cold Oakwell on New Year’s Day in the late 1990s/early 2000s and no doubt the two managers would be encased in marble as a living testament to their obduracy.

And if the first round of group games were like pure-grade heroin cut with shavings of Clive Tyldesley and smuggled past England’s Robert Green at UK border control, I have to admit that I overdosed, taking up to six hours a day for more than a week.

After an early rush of excitement, I fell into a deep reverie induced by triple daily doses of drab defensive displays before finally lapsing into a tactical coma, waking up just in time for this Sunday’s World Cup Final showdown between England and Germany.

Having beaten the USA in the knockout stages, Fabio Capello must be delighted that his masterplan has come to fruition and England are within 90 minutes of lifting the Jules Rimet trophy once more.

A valiant effort, all the more remarkable as we have scored only two goals in the process of knocking out the most powerful nation on earth (truly, an us against US game if ever there was one), the tricky North Africans and then the smallest footballing nation at the Finals, Slovenia.

I take my hat off to Fabio and his men and will go on to eat it for dinner, too, as I was convinced we really didn’t have a hope in hell of seeing this dream come true.

As a tribute, I offer my exclusive guide to The World Cup On Drugs for your viewing enhancement:

Alcohol

Preferably beer and lots of it. Great for encouraging your team’s hard men to go in for dangerous two-footed tackles on opponents. Can really make you feel good for 90 minutes, but then you can start to get heavy-legged and risk missing vital goals while you go for a pee. Can also leave you feeling tired and miserable for days afterwards if you’re over 40.
Undoubtedly the football fan’s favourite tipple, alcohol can make even France versus Uruguay seem like the most compelling game of end-to-end football you’ve ever seen. OK, maybe not even alcohol can do that. Which is why you might consider some slightly more risqué alternatives.

Cannabis and marijuana

If you smoke or otherwise consume enough of this, you won’t care who wins as long as you have plenty of chocolate and crisps. Not a good idea to try ordering a Chinese takeaway while watching either of the two Korean sides, either, unless you want bean curd noodles with prawn cracker soup and a meat cleaver in your head for being a cheeky bastard.

You may find yourself laughing uncontrollably at the little Mexican and Japanese players (but see LSD, below) and at some of the many comedy commentating double-entendres and other funnies such as:
Bougherra goes in hard on Butt!
He’s got Eggiman on the face, there.
Messi leaves Shittu trailing in his wake.
Pantsil’s off!
Bong.

Amphetamines, ecstacy and cocaine

In theory, you might think any of these stimulants would be great for staying alert during the opening round of games, but as your brain processes information faster so these interminable games begin to last forever and - as we all know - you risk irreversible catatonia. Try explaining that to your mum and dad when they come to visit you in hospital with tubes coming out of your every orifice and some new ones you didn’t have before.

If you must, make sure you’re down the pub with your mates and you should have a great time spoiling everyone else’s enjoyment of the game with your incessant yabbering. This is what all BBC and ITV commentators take before live games. You have been warned.

LSD and magic mushrooms

Hallucinogens. Watch football and expand your mind. Sounds too good to be true! Discover the meaning of life during the national anthems and spend the rest of the day communicating with the God of the Vuvuzelas or hiding in the cupboard under the stairs fearing that you are about to be abducted by giant lizard-men disguised as tiny insects working for your local council’s refuse collection team.

Either way, it will be a life-changing experience. When watching Japan or Mexico, be prepared to spend the entire game marvelling at how small their players are and how big the opposition is. Whatever you do, you will need to read the sports news the following day in order to find out what really happened.

Heroin, morphine and other opiate derivatives

Can make you feel like you won even when you lost. I try to stay away from these as a general rule, at least until the latter stages of the competition. Then, as an England fan, they can be useful to sustain your enthusiasm in between games after the first knockout round and the quarter finals and before the final itself.

Long-term use is best left until after the tournament is completed or avoided all together. Warning:
death is a likely outcome whether you use heroin or not.

Well, that’s it. Please remember that none of this is to be taken seriously and do not try this at home, children, even if you’re an adult.